


Dear Whoever Is Reading This

by IrnBru



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depression, Heavy Angst, I wasn't just saying that, I won't be upset if you don't read it, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicidal Eren Yeager, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, This was really just to get my angst out, it does have a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-28
Updated: 2016-09-28
Packaged: 2018-08-11 21:05:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7907626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IrnBru/pseuds/IrnBru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Dear whoever is reading this,</p><p>I'm sorry. I fucked up. But I can't see any other way and I just can't fucking do this anymore.</p><p>To whoever is reading this.</p><p>This is my suicide note."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Whoever Is Reading This

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not read this if you are triggered by suicidal themes. Please stay safe when reading this and look after yourselves.
> 
> I'm still trying to figure out how I want to end this story, so there'll either be a sad or happy ending at the end of this chapter, or I might put a happy ending in the second chapter. I'm not sure yet, I don't know if I can kill my darling Eren.

It's funny, really, how one day you think you're fine, and the next you're sitting at your desk with a piece of paper in front of you titled;

 

"Dear whoever is reading this"

 

And trying to figure out how to put into words just how shitty you feel and why you've finally decided to write a suicide note and kill yourself.

 

It was odd, really, as I looked down at my arms tainted with old and new scars, how one day you can be so happy, and then over a period of time, you're sinking into this looming darkness you hadn't even known was there, and before you realise it, you can't see through the darkness and every day is a struggle to keep yourself alive. To keep living, because as much as you want it to end, as much as you don't want to live, not if life has to be like this, you can't bring yourself to hurt those around you.

 

So as I sat here with tears streaming down my face and dripping onto the paper, I laughed. A sad, empty laugh that quickly turned into wracking sobs that shook my whole body, causing me to curl up until they had subsided. They didn't, but after a while, they calmed, so I took my chance and began to write.

 

"Dear whoever is reading this,

 

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry. I fucked up. But I can't see any other way and I just can't fucking do this anymore.

 

To whoever is reading this.

 

This is my suicide note.

 

 

I can't pinpoint exactly when I became depressed. I think I realised it too late, actually. I only saw it when it was there and inescapable, and I never saw it as it began to loom over me. It was when I was engulfed in this shitty fucking darkness that I thought,

 

 

_I want to die._

 

 

But I don't. I don't want to die. I want to live, I want to be happy, I want to buy a tiny dog and name him Titan because even though he's small, he's the toughest little bastard out. Kinda like Levi, I guess.

I want to buy a house by the ocean where I can watch the sun rise or set every day, and I can run out and swim in the ocean forever, not a single worry or care in the world. Because I would be happy.

 

But I can't have any of those things, because I'm not. I'm not happy. I'm really, really fucking sad. And I'm tired of being sad, and I'm tired of living like this. I just want it to end.

 

 

You know, this is pretty fucked up. _I'm_ pretty fucked up. I always have been, just never like this. Jesus Christ, the papers gonna be soaked by the time I'm done, my tears are already dripping onto the paper. But I'm not re-writing this, because I just don't have the energy or the time.

 

 

I'm kind of writing this as I go, because I have no fucking idea what to say."

 

 

 

And I paused here, because I didn't. I didn't know what I was writing, and I was probably going to be grasping at straws by the end of it, because I don't want to die, and I don't want to leave them, but it's my last chance; the only way I can stop feeling like this. I took a deep breath, and put the pen back to the paper.

 

 

"I guess I'll write a little bit for the important people in my life, so whoever finds this, please let them read what I write.

 

 

Mikasa,

 

I couldn't have asked for a better sister. You've always been there for me, and I'm forever thankful you were in my life. I can't imagine you not being there, and it was the best day of my life when my parents adopted you, because I finally had the sister I had always wanted. And then mom and dad died in the car crash, and you had lost two more parents. But we grew closer due to that, if it were even possible. We comforted each other, and were always together. I don't think I slept in my own bed for a good few months after they died, I could only sleep next to you.

 

You're the best sister I could have asked for, so thank you for being in my life. And I'm sorry that you have to go through this again, losing family for a third time, but I just can't do this anymore. I just want the pain to end. I don't want to suffer anymore.

 

I think my favourite memory I have of you is the time I was getting bullied in school, and they were hitting me, and I have no fucking clue how you did it, but you just fucking _looked_ at one of the guys and his nose started _gushing_ , blood running down his face. I burst out laughing in absolute fear, whilst you kicked ass and sent them running to the nurse.

That was the best, yet most terrifying experience of my life.

 

Mikasa, I love you so much, and I can't even put into words just how much you mean to me. Please stay happy, okay?

 

And tell Annie that if she doesn't treat you right, I'm going to haunt her ass until she dies. Just a heads up. I hope she makes you happy, and that she does everything that you love.

 

 

I'll be looking down and watching over you for the rest of your life. After all, it's only fair that I return the favour.

 

I love you Mikasa.

 

 

 

Armin,

 

You've been my best friend since we were tiny little things, and I'm so thankful you've been in my life. You and Mikasa always looked out for me and have always been there, especially when all this shit started.

 

And I swear to God, Armin, do NOT blame yourself for me doing this. I know what you're like, and this is not your fault in any way at all. I just can't keep pretending I'm okay and that I'm happy, because I'm really not.

 

You're such an amazing person Armin, so don't ever change yourself, not for anyone. You're more than my best friend. You're my family, my brother, and I couldn't imagine my life without you. Thank you for being a part of it.

 

My favourite memory of you is that day when you embarrassed Mr. Weilman in front of the whole class. I can't even remember what it was that he was talking about, but you stood up, walked up to the front of the class, grabbed the chalk out of his hand and corrected _everything_ he had written. He looked so embarrassed, and ended up going to see Principal Shadis, who switched him with Mr. Pixis, who was awesome. Do you remember Mr. Weilman had that nervous tick and whatever he did, he thought he was doing what was best for the class. Goddamn, he was dramatic. All you had to do was so much as slurp your juice, and he would yell at you. Might as well have shot a damn canon at us, he was that serious.

 

 

You've helped me so much Armin. Everything you've done, even just being a part of my life, has kept me here longer than how long I would have lived if you weren't in my life. And I want to thank you for keeping my self-harm a secret, and for trying to help me through it. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do, and when you saw them, I just freaked out. But you calmed me down, told me that you were here to help me, and you did just that.

 

Thank you so much for everything, Armin. I couldn't have asked for a better friend or a better brother.

 

I love you Armin.

 

 

 

Sasha,

 

You're such an amazing girl. You're funny, and you do everything in your power to make people laugh and cheer them up, especially when they're down. And that's saved me from ending it all so many times. Because it showed me you cared, and I really needed that.

 

My favourite memory of you is when we had an assembly and we were sitting on the bleachers listening to the principal, and you were eating a baked potato. You had it all around your mouth and everyone was staring at you in absolute fear, because how the fuck could you just _eat a fucking potato_ so fearlessly when Principal Shadis was right in front of you. You even offered him a piece when he just stared at you, dumbfounded because you were just standing there, potato in hand, chewing whilst looking him dead in the eye.

It was honestly amazing, and it was how we became friends.

 

Thank you so much for being a part of my life, you're so funny and full of joy and that helped keep me going, so thank you Sasha. My life would be so much different if you weren't in it, and I'm so glad you were.

Thank you for everything Sasha. Thank you for always cheering me up and for just being you.

 

I love you Sasha.

 

 

Connie,

You're so over the top and dramatic and never failed to make me laugh. Thank you for that.

I remember when you realised that you liked Sasha, and we sat on the phone for a good two hours, and for those two hours you spoke non-stop about how perfect she was, and giving me reasons why you liked her and telling me how amazing she was. I don't think I even spoke during the call. And now here you are, dating the girl of your dreams. I hope you two are happy together.

 

Connie, my favourite memory of you is when you and Sasha were messing around during class, and we had Principal Shadis teaching us that period, and you were throwing paper balls at one another and Shadis walked over just as you had threw one at Sasha. And he literally  _picked you up by your face_ and when I saw your face when he did that, the first thing I thought of was Kif from Futurama.

And I couldn't think of anything else all day and I couldn't stop laughing because I was thinking about it.

 

Thank you for always making me laugh and being there. Between you and Sasha, it was hard not to smile. Idiots.

 

I love you Connie.

 

 

Annie,

You'd better take good care of Mikasa or else I'm going to haunt your ass. Don't think I'm joking, because I will.

 

Annie, you're so cynical and blunt, which - when they weren't directed at me, anyways - made me laugh. When Mikasa was going out with that dickhead Thomas, all the little comments you would mutter to me under your breath, or the things you would say outright to his face, they were amazing.

 

Thank you for coming into my life. When Mikasa and I lost our parents, you practically moved into our house to make sure we were okay. You were always there for us, sleeping on the couch for the whole time I had to sleep in Mika's room (sorry about that, talk about being a cockblock. Or, whatever the female equivalent is). I couldn't imagine anyone better suited for Mikasa, thank you for taking care of her. Make sure she isn't too sad, okay?

 

Thanks for everything Annie, I hope you and Mika have great, long life together.

 

I love you Annie.

 

 

Jean,

Hey horse-face. How are you and Marco?

Honestly, every time I saw you two, I wanted to throw up because you were just so sickeningly in love. But I was really happy for you guys, and thank God you two finally hooked up. You were both pining for the other, and it drove all of us crazy just watching. I'm glad you finally grew a pair and asked him out, I'm not sure how much longer we could all take it. I hope you two are happy.

 

I honestly don't know what happened with us, man. We were the best of friends and the worst of enemies at the same time, but our friendship worked like that, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I never said it, but I love you man, and I'm glad you were in my life.

 

Try to keep yourself happy. Your face is long enough already, no need to add to it.

Promise me you'll try and look out for everyone. We were both the stubborn bastards in the group, so keep being stubborn for the both of us and don't let anyone be sad, you got that?

 

And one last thing. If you're going to speak at my funeral, don't be an ass. We all know you're a horse, but there's no need to add another choice into what species you are. Try and say something nice, okay?

 

I've just had a thought. I guess the nickname 'Suicidal Bastard' really came in handy, huh?

I hope you have a good, long, happy life, Jean. I really do.

 

I even love you too, Jean.

 

 

Erwin,

I've never gotten over just how big your eyebrows are. Seriously. You should get an award for them.

 

You're literally the dad of the group, always making sure that everyone's eating and that everything's fine. I know it hurt you that you couldn't do anything to help me, but you did more than you ever realised.

Just by asking if I was okay, you were helping. Because even though every time I said 'I'm fine', you saw right through it, and asked me how I really was. The fact that you even noticed meant the world to me, so thank you.

 

I remember one night I had gotten really worked up, and I phoned you, sobbing. I could barely fucking speak, and as soon as you heard my sobs and cut off words, you hung up the phone. When you did that, I was so confused, but you showed up at my door not ten minutes later with Chinese in one hand and a shit-ton of snacks and drinks in the other. You sat me down and told me to tell you everything, and I did. I told you how I was feeling and my self-harm problems. After I told you, and I was a mess, you just pulled me into your arms and held me until I calmed down.

After I had calmed down, we rented films, ate Chinese and the snacks, and that was exactly what I had needed. You took my mind off everything that was going on.

 

Thank you for doing that and for always looking out for me and asking how I was. You did more than you ever realised.

 

I love you Erwin.

 

 

Hanji,

You were like the manic mother of the group. You cared about everyone and every little thing. The first time you saw me looking sad, you never left me alone after it. You cracked jokes and were absolutely crazy, and you were amazing. You're extremely eccentric, but don't let anything anyone says bring you down or try change you.

 

I remember when you became a member of our group. I thought we were complete before, but when you joined, _that's_ when we were complete. A life without you definitely wouldn't be worth living.

 

Do you remember that day when you asked me to go up to the science labs with you to do some experiments? We weren't exactly allowed, but I thought 'fuck it, it'll be funny'. And what a hell of a fucking time that was. I turned away for two seconds to look at my phone, and in those two seconds you had managed to start a small fire and set the fire alarm off. I still don't understand how you managed to do that so quickly. It was fucking terrifying and we got in so much shit for it, but you started crying and begging so much that Shadis told us we would be off the hook as long as you _'_ _shut the fuck up and got the fuck out of his office'_.That day was so funny, and so scary at the same time.

 

You're such a mother hen, and classed us all as your children. You looked out for all of us, and between you and Erwin, we all felt so loved and cared for. You two made things for bearable, just by caring about me and making sure I was okay.

 

Thank you for everything you did for me Hanji, it meant so much to me. _You_ meant so much to me.

 

I love you Hanji."

 

And I stopped here and stood, fisting my hands into my hair and walking to the window. I looked out over the brightly lit city, and it was beautiful. And so desperately tragic that I was going to kill myself because I was so consumed with sadness, whilst this world remained beautiful and continued to live whilst I didn't. My hands dropped to my side as I thought about that. My death wouldn't mean anything. The world would keep spinning.

I sighed and turned back to my desk, sitting and picking up my pen and began to write again.

 

"And Levi,

You're just so amazing and perfect, Levi. And I'm such a coward. I figure at least this way I can actually tell you how I feel, because I was so scared of rejection, so scared that I would fuck everything up. But I have to tell you. I need to get this out before I kill myself.

 

_I'm in love with you, Levi._

 

You're so perfect. Your hair, your eyes, your voice, your personality, your smile. Everything about you is. The way you try to keep your face expressionless, but we can see it in your eyes that you care. The way the corners of your lips twitch as though you're fighting off a smile when one of us do something stupid. The way you act so tough (which you are, and it's terrifying) around everyone and as though you don't care about anyone, but if someone hurts one of us, you get so angry and go find them to kick their ass.

 

You're just so amazing, and I'm glad I got the feel like this before I died. Thank you for making me fall in love with you."

 

I looked over at my phone as I buzzed, and checked to see who the text was from.

 

**Levi**

_23:48_

Eren? Are you there?

 

I ignored him and went back to writing.

 

"Funny how I'm writing about you just as you text me. But I'm not going to answer it because if I do, I'll probably back out of doing this, and I can't do that.

 

I'm not sure if I have a favourite memory of you, because every moment I spent with you was my favourite. God, that was so cheesy. Did I actually just write that?

 

I suppose I should just pick one, huh? Let me see...

 

One memory I have of you that I remember well is the day we met. Mikasa was off school because she was sick, otherwise she would've helped me. But I'd gotten into a fight with four guys from the year above, and their 'leader' and I were punching into one another as you walked past. You stopped and looked at us, and almost began to walk away, when I cried out as he punched me in the ribs. But when I had done that, you walked over, pulled him off me and beat him bloody, before turning to the other three and kicked their asses. Pretty sure you broke someone's leg. After it you walked over the me and asked if I was okay. When I said no and held where my ribs were sore, you took my hand and just walked us out the school, pulled me into your car and drove us to the hospital.

 

Turns out he had broken two of my ribs, and you looked furious when the doctor said that.

 

And you never let go of my hand the whole time.

 

You joined our group after that, and I was so happy when you did that."

 

**Levi**

_23:52_

Eren? C'mon, idiot, answer my text. Everyone's been mailing you and you won't answer. Is everything alright? Please text me back so I can let everyone know. We're all really worried. I'm worried. Please just give me a text.

 

"And you keep texting me and I want nothing more than to answer so I won't do this. I don't want to do this, Levi. I don't want to leave. And I'm such a mess right now, the papers wet because I can't stop crying, and God, I want to see you right now. I want to see you one last time.

 

I'm so sorry Levi. I'm such a coward. I wished I'd said all this to your face instead of you reading it in a note when I'm dead.

 

I love you so much. I really do, and I hope you have a happy life, and meet someone you really love who makes you feel like how you make me feel.

 

I love you so much Levi."

 

**Levi**

_23:54_

Missed call

 

"I love all of you so much, and I want you all to be happy. You're the most important people in my life, and each and every one of you mean the absolute world to me. I'm so sorry for doing this, I really am. But I hope you can understand why I'm doing it, and I hope you won't hate me or be mad at me for it.

 

_"People do not die from suicide_

_They die from sadness"_

 

That's probably one of the truest things I've ever read. I'm not dying from suicide, because I'm already dead. I've been dead for a while, if you think about it, because I'm so sad that it's not really sadness anymore. It's just emptiness, for the most part. The only other thing I feel is love for you guys. So thanks for making me feel something, other than feeling sad."

 

**Levi**

_23:55_

Missed call (2)

 

**Levi**

_23:55_

Okay, I'm coming over. You're scaring me, and I have a really bad feeling. Please be okay, Eren. Don't do anything stupid, okay? I'll be there soon. God, please be okay.

 

"Right now, it's 23:55, and I'm killing myself at midnight. God, I'm going to be dead in five minutes. I'm so scared. But I feel at peace at the same time, because I've said everything I wanted to say. Thank you all for everything. You have been my sole reason for staying alive.

 

Thank you.

 

I love you all.

 

Eren Yeager."

 

Here I stopped, and looked at my phone.

 

_23:56_

 

I stood and walked into my bathroom, opening the cabinet and pulling out a bottle of sleeping pills. After picking them up, I walked the kitchen and filled up a glass of water, before going through to the living room once again and sitting on the floor, leaning back against the wall facing the door.

 

I pulled out a pill and stared at it, looking up at the clock.

 

_23:58_

 

I sighed and felt my cheeks dampen, and knew I was crying again. I put the pill in my mouth and took a drink of water, swallowing it. I repeated this until I had finished my water. My vision was blurry due to the vast amount of tears in them, and my cheeks were soaked from the amount that had rolled down my face.

 

After a minute, I could feel my body starting to go limp and my eyes close. I looked up at the clock and smiled sleepily.

 

_00:00_

 

Midnight. At long last.

 

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the wall. I listened for a moment, sure I heard a faint noise, sounding similar to keys in a lock and a door opening. Then a yell, before I passed out, too tired to care because I was finally, _finally_ , going to be free from this hell.

 

* * *

 

 

I could hear a faint buzzing in my ears, my head pounding and my body weak. It almost felt like there was a hand in mine, and the room felt hot from body heat.

 

_No. No no no no no. Please don't tell me I'm still ali--_

 

"Is he awake? I thought I saw him move there."

 

"Me too. Eren? You awake, buddy?"

 

I heard voices all around me, quietly whispering, some to me, asking if I was awake, some to the others, asking why this had happened. I could hear sniffles and sobs, cracked voices and consoling whispers. I squeezed the hand in mine, signalling I was awake. My throat felt dry and I was so tired.

 

"He's awake." I heard a very familiar voice say, and I wanted to open my eyes to look at him.

 

"Levi?" I whispered, voice cracking and sounding hoarse, and opened my eyes wearily to look into his. I heard gasps and was suddenly crowded, everyone attempting to wrap their arms around me. And I let them, someone helping me to sit up after everyone had hugged me. Levi stood for a moment, reaching over to the table to pick up a glass of water and handing it to me, not letting go of my hand once.

 

I gratefully drank, with the help of Levi holding my glass. I finished my glass and looked down at the bedsheets, clearly recognisable as the bedsheets of a hospital, and refused to look at anyone. My eyes filled with tears again and I furiously wiped them away, not wanting anyone to see my cry. I felt arms wrap around me again, Armin resting his head against mine and holding me close.

 

That broke me.

 

I sobbed as he held me, hearing others begin to cry as well. I was wracked with guilt and sadness, yet a small sense of happiness too. What the hell had I been thinking? I was going to leave behind all these people who cared about me, and I hadn't even given them a proper goodbye.

 

"I'm so sorry." I somehow choked out through my sobs, setting off those who had managed to stop their tears, and were now crying too. I looked around the room through my slightly blurred vision, seeing Annie hold Mikasa as they both cried, Mikasa more than Annie because I could see her trying to be strong for my sister. I saw Jean and Marco, tears streaming down Jeans face as Marco attempted to wipe them away. I saw Sasha and Connie, who were giving me watery smiles as they tried to hold back tears. Erwin was looking over at us, coming over and standing next to Armin, who turned to hug the tall blonde as they both attempted to stop the tears. And finally Hanji, who was holding Levi tightly in her arms as he _shook_ , trying to keep him calm and trying to stop him from crying as she tried to follow her own advice.

 

I sat up properly, looking over everyone once more. They all turned to look at me, giving me their best smiles to try to keep tears from falling again. As my gaze landed on Levi again, who was looking at me so sadly it made me want to hug him and never let him go, I froze.

 

Because in his hand was a piece of paper. More specifically, _my suicide note_.

 

Everyone made some excuse or another to leave to room, clearly giving Levi and I some time alone. After everyone had left, he sad down next to me on the bed, our shoulders pressed together.

 

"I found you." He breathed out, fresh tears in his eyes. "I found you as soon as I walked in the door, seeing you passed out against the wall with a bottle of pills next to you. I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life, Eren. I knew when you wouldn't answer my texts that something was wrong, because you always answer me when I text you. And then you wouldn't answer the phone, and I had this horrible feeling in my stomach, because I knew something was wrong. I ran down to my car and I must've ran at least three red lights to get there as fast as I could. And I'm so glad I did, because the doctor said if I hadn't gotten there as fast as I did and phoned the ambulance and made you throw up, you might not have woken up. I ended up half dragging you to the bathroom as I phoned, and pulled you into the bathtub with me. I had the shower running down over us, and at first, nothing was happening. I couldn't get you to throw up. But then you did, and I couldn't stop crying and I just thought 'If I hadn't text you or came over to see if you were okay, you would have died'. And that was terrifying. Don't you _ever_ do that again, okay?"

 

Levi was sobbing again at this point, which set me off, and I wrapped my arms around him as best I could in the position we were sitting in. He moved me so I was sitting in between his legs, my shoulder against his chest and my legs were both resting over one of his. I pressed my face into the crook of his neck, and we just held each other sobbing.

 

After a few minutes, he pulled back and looked down at me, wiping my tears away. I reached up and did the same, before pulling my hand back and looking away.

 

"I'm so sorry, Levi. I just -- I didn't mean to--"

 

Levi shushed me and leaned forward, resting his forehead against mine. I felt the gentle brush of his lips against mine, almost as though he was asking for permission. I leaned up and pressed my lips back against his, and we shared a sweet, gentle kiss.

 

"We all read everything you wrote to us. Of course I love you, brat." Levi spoke, smiling softly, and I couldn't stop the small, watery smile from appearing on my face. I kissed him again, and chuckled slightly as we heard the cheering of our friends, catching the moment between us and the confession from Levi.

 

"I love you too, Levi." I quietly murmured against his skin, resting my head against his shoulder.

 

 

"Okay, Yeager, I just have one fucking thing to say. What the fuck was that line about 'not adding another choice into what species I am'?! You're such a little dick, you know that?"

 

"Shut up, horse-face. You know what? You _are_ an ass."

 

At our friendly bickering, everyone laughed at us, and we all had a quiet moment before we had a talk about how they could help me and them telling me they were all there for me. I looked at their supportive smiles and felt Levi's arms tighten around me, and I knew I would be okay.

 

* * *

 

 

It's funny, really, how one day you think you're fine, and the next you've written a suicide note and tried to kill yourself.

 

It's also ironic at how being so close to dying makes you want to live. And it's funny that that's what it took to make me open my eyes and see that my life was definitely worth living. I'm still sad, but with everyone around me and everyone's love and support, I know I can get through this.

 

Because I won't feel like this forever, and one day, I'm going to be happy.

 

"Dear Whoever Is Reading This,

 

I'm alive. I almost fucked up. But I'm alive, and I will get through this.

 

To whoever is reading this.

 

I survived."

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't kill my baby after all.
> 
> If you managed to get to this point, thank you for reading!
> 
> I know what it's like to feel the way Eren felt, and I still do, and it's horrible. I wanted to write this because I wanted to get my feelings out, and I feel better after writing a happy ending to a sad story. I know life doesn't always end the way this story did, but having the happy ending didn't make me feel so in tune with what I was writing, if that makes sense?
> 
> Like, I know the feelings that Eren did, but having the happy ending gives me the hope that things will get better, and they can.
> 
> I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
> 
> Anyways! Kudos and comments are appreciated, and I hope everyone is okay and happy!
> 
> Stay safe, m'dears! :)


End file.
